Inspirational Change

Valentines Day ... call me cynical but ...
Alison Williams - Monday, February 13, 2012

So Valentines day is upon us ... Call me cynical but it just doesn't do it for me!! Yes I know, I remember the heady days of my youth when I'd wait for the postman to see if any secret admirer had sent me a card ... and sometimes he had I'll have you know!! Then I progressed to the point where a few times I got taken out for really nice meals in really posh, very overpriced, very overcrowded restaurants ... and that's when the cynicism started to creep in.

I think what really bugs me is the sense of expectation built up into a frenzy by the marketing giants. Think of all those poor unsuspecting blokes that buy the odd bunch of flowers here and there but all of a sudden on Valentines Day it has to be roses ... they have to be red ... they have to have a posh ribbon!! I feel for them I really do! And what about the people who don't get anything ... from anyone ... talk about being made to feel left out in the cold!!

It takes a brave guy (or girl) to stand up in the face of consumerism (I struggle enough with persuading my four year old that he really doesn't need some lollies ... another car ... a remote control helicopter!) but maybe we can take a moment to consider what meaning we can make out of Valentines Day? Yes we could just ignore it, but what could we have it mean for us that would enhance our relationships?

Maybe it could be the day we call mum or dad and tell them we love them ... maybe the day we slope off for a beautiful, peaceful (and free!) walk on the beach with a loved one and enjoy each others company ... maybe we just use it as a reminder that relationships and connections are vital to our wellbeing and refocus on attracting the relationships we want into our lives.

With a husband in Harvey Bay at the moment, about two and a half hours away, I think it'll be a fairly low key Valentines Day for Mrs Cynicism here. Though I'm curious how all that frenzied romantic energy in the air will impact my client work tomorrow, I'm looking forward to a romantic dinner with my little boy and young Jack the Jack Russell ... and I wonder if Bob hid a card anywhere when he was home on the weekend ...!!

Whatever you choose to make it mean for you, make it real ... make it what you want for your relationships and not what the marketers would have you believe it should look like.


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How to have a Cracker of a Christmas - Part 2: Identify and meet you Needs - You will feel good when you do!
Alison Williams - Friday, November 04, 2011

If Christmas brings up for you feelings of overwhelm and thoughts of rushing from one place to another trying to please everybody all at once them it may be worth your giving some time to reflect on your own Needs. Yes, yours! - Because they're important. 

In my previous blog I discussed how you can 'lose' some of your sense of yourself in your family upbringing. Only yesterday I was speaking with a client about the fact that in her family of origin there had been very little open communication and lots of anger. Her energy as a child had very much gone (unconsciously) into 'trying to read between the lines' and trying to figure out how she was meant to behave in order to avoid being in trouble (the stereotypical 'good girl' role). This was her focus and any sense of being able to stay true to what she needed in order to be ok was out of the window - it was all about 'how can I best shape myself to fit in and stay safe here.'

This concept of needs is so important. We all have our own needs in order to be able to be our best. For example, I have a strong need for respect and if I feel that someone has behaved disrespectfully towards me (maybe a supplier who has let me down or a friend who hasn't appeared to listen to me) I will feel disrespected and need to take some action. That may be as simple as speaking up to say I feel disrespected and looking to resolve the issue or may be about my looking for a new supplier who treats me in a respectful way.

And in simple terms that's how needs work - You get an uncomfortable feeling, a niggle, something just doesn't feel right. So you check in - What need do I have here that's not being met? Then you take steps to meet that need and be able to feel and be your best.

Unfortunately if you've spent many years, for whatever reason, ignoring your own needs or pushing them to one side, it can be an interesting concept just to imagine that you might have some needs? Or that they could be important to your wellbeing? ... You may not even always be clear about what your needs are - you just know that sometimes you don't feel ok ... you're certainly not at your best.

And in that case you just start to learn about your needs ... step by step. Try the following process and see how you go:

1. First of all, notice when you do feel a bit out of sorts, uncomfortable, upset, anxious ... Often you may just carry on regardless, but give yourself a moment this time ... stop ... reflect - what is your unmet need here? What need do you need to meet in order to feel more comfortable with yourself? If you're not used to identifying what your needs are, use a list of needs such as the one at http://http//www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory to get you started. Sit with the list, let your eyes roam gently over it and just notice in your body what draws you - that 'aha - that's what I need!' moment!

2. Once you've identified what you need then decide what steps you will take to meet the need. This is hugely significant - don't wait around for someone else to meet your needs - you are ultimately responsible for your own wellbeing and meeting your needs - not someone else! This can be really simple. For example a client in a recent session recognised her need for nurturing, wasn't in a physical position to be nurtured by her partner at that stage so had really written it off! In discussion about how she could nurture herself she lit up when she recalled how she used to feel so nurtured and comforted by curling up on the verandah in the sun with a throw when she was a child - but she never did it anymore. She set off to do just that! It really doesn't need to be complicated - the simpler the better.

Relate this to our Christmas theme - The invitations are coming thick and fast - you've two events on the same day - which one will you go to? You've been busy, you're tired, you know you need to chill out - Will it be the more formal, prestigious 'do' where you know you'll feel obliged to dress up a bit, hope the kids behave and make some chit chat or will it be the more informal 'do' where you know you'll be amongst friends, be able to 'hang loose' and say whatever you want to say? What's your choice? Will you take steps to meet your needs or will you be led by other peoples views or what seems to be the 'right' thing to do? And will that feed your energy level or take away from it?

The above practice in itself can support you in feeling less stressed and overwhelmed at Christmas (and every day!). Try it and see how you go - I'd love your feedback.

As usual, if you need further support just give me a shout - Don't forget my current Special Offer on Family Patterns Assessment is available until just 30th November.


Take care until next time and remember, through actively meeting your needs you're constantly affirming to yourself that you're worth it ... you're important ... and how good will that feel?!

Alison 


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