Inspirational Change

How to have a Cracker of a Christmas - Part 2: Identify and meet you Needs - You will feel good when you do!
Alison Williams - Friday, November 04, 2011

If Christmas brings up for you feelings of overwhelm and thoughts of rushing from one place to another trying to please everybody all at once them it may be worth your giving some time to reflect on your own Needs. Yes, yours! - Because they're important. 

In my previous blog I discussed how you can 'lose' some of your sense of yourself in your family upbringing. Only yesterday I was speaking with a client about the fact that in her family of origin there had been very little open communication and lots of anger. Her energy as a child had very much gone (unconsciously) into 'trying to read between the lines' and trying to figure out how she was meant to behave in order to avoid being in trouble (the stereotypical 'good girl' role). This was her focus and any sense of being able to stay true to what she needed in order to be ok was out of the window - it was all about 'how can I best shape myself to fit in and stay safe here.'

This concept of needs is so important. We all have our own needs in order to be able to be our best. For example, I have a strong need for respect and if I feel that someone has behaved disrespectfully towards me (maybe a supplier who has let me down or a friend who hasn't appeared to listen to me) I will feel disrespected and need to take some action. That may be as simple as speaking up to say I feel disrespected and looking to resolve the issue or may be about my looking for a new supplier who treats me in a respectful way.

And in simple terms that's how needs work - You get an uncomfortable feeling, a niggle, something just doesn't feel right. So you check in - What need do I have here that's not being met? Then you take steps to meet that need and be able to feel and be your best.

Unfortunately if you've spent many years, for whatever reason, ignoring your own needs or pushing them to one side, it can be an interesting concept just to imagine that you might have some needs? Or that they could be important to your wellbeing? ... You may not even always be clear about what your needs are - you just know that sometimes you don't feel ok ... you're certainly not at your best.

And in that case you just start to learn about your needs ... step by step. Try the following process and see how you go:

1. First of all, notice when you do feel a bit out of sorts, uncomfortable, upset, anxious ... Often you may just carry on regardless, but give yourself a moment this time ... stop ... reflect - what is your unmet need here? What need do you need to meet in order to feel more comfortable with yourself? If you're not used to identifying what your needs are, use a list of needs such as the one at http://http//www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory to get you started. Sit with the list, let your eyes roam gently over it and just notice in your body what draws you - that 'aha - that's what I need!' moment!

2. Once you've identified what you need then decide what steps you will take to meet the need. This is hugely significant - don't wait around for someone else to meet your needs - you are ultimately responsible for your own wellbeing and meeting your needs - not someone else! This can be really simple. For example a client in a recent session recognised her need for nurturing, wasn't in a physical position to be nurtured by her partner at that stage so had really written it off! In discussion about how she could nurture herself she lit up when she recalled how she used to feel so nurtured and comforted by curling up on the verandah in the sun with a throw when she was a child - but she never did it anymore. She set off to do just that! It really doesn't need to be complicated - the simpler the better.

Relate this to our Christmas theme - The invitations are coming thick and fast - you've two events on the same day - which one will you go to? You've been busy, you're tired, you know you need to chill out - Will it be the more formal, prestigious 'do' where you know you'll feel obliged to dress up a bit, hope the kids behave and make some chit chat or will it be the more informal 'do' where you know you'll be amongst friends, be able to 'hang loose' and say whatever you want to say? What's your choice? Will you take steps to meet your needs or will you be led by other peoples views or what seems to be the 'right' thing to do? And will that feed your energy level or take away from it?

The above practice in itself can support you in feeling less stressed and overwhelmed at Christmas (and every day!). Try it and see how you go - I'd love your feedback.

As usual, if you need further support just give me a shout - Don't forget my current Special Offer on Family Patterns Assessment is available until just 30th November.


Take care until next time and remember, through actively meeting your needs you're constantly affirming to yourself that you're worth it ... you're important ... and how good will that feel?!

Alison 


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How to have a Cracker of a Christmas - Not a Damp Squib!!
Alison Williams - Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Christmas is coming - yes, really ...!! I need to face the reality that it's only 9 weeks until my Christmas Holidays and 12 weeks till the big man in red comes to call (that's Santa, not my dad - who incidentally is arriving from the UK at about the same time, much to my delight).

That got me thinking - What would I like to contribute to my clients and colleagues before the end of the year that isn't already planned in? As the title of this blog suggests I decided to take some of the common issues my clients talk about in this run-up to Christmas, such as:

  • I'm 45 now (or whatever you happen to be) and yet whenever I'm around my family I feel I'm being treated like a little child again!
  • Why do I always feel I'm expected to take on a certain 'role' in my family?? It's always me that seems to resurrect the burning Christmas dinner, amuse Great Uncle Fred and try to rescue old Aunty Flossie's false teeth out of the toilet (yes that really happened in my family one year!!)?
  • How come I spend three weeks with the family at Christmas and yet come away feeling like I've not really connected with them? We don't seem to talk about what's really going on and I walk away feeling they don't really know me?
  • Why do I find it so hard to say 'no?' I seem to run around over Christmas trying to see everyone and keep everyone happy and just end up feeling frustrated, overloaded and glad of the chance to go back to work??
  • Why do I find it so hard to just relax?? I didn't have children so I could sit on the beach with them feeling frustrated, thinking of all the other things I could be doing and wondering how business will go in 2012 ?

... and to spend the next few weeks blogging about some of the insights, knowledge, skills and resources that clients have found valuable in developing a deeper understanding of these issues and bring about change i.e as I refer to in the title, setting yourself up for a whole different experience of Christmas!

By the way, if you're in business keep reading - all of these patterns/issues equally arise within organisations (though hopefully not the false teeth thing??) and I'll be happy to discuss strategies with you as we go along.

I have to confess that this is a personal challenge - I have never blogged in my life and can be a little technophobic, so I'm just going to treat it like setting out to have a little chat with you once a week and not scare myself too much with the b*** word!

The 'little chat' will be posted on my website once a week at http://http//www.inspirationalchange.com/_blog/Inspirational_Change 

Newsletter subscribers I assure you I will not be barraging your inbox every week - I'll just send you a reminder of the link in a month's time. The best way to be conscious of my weekly 'chats' will be to join me on my Facebook page at http://http//www.facebook.com/pages/Inspirational-Change-with-Alison-Williams/300031283383, where I'll be posting the updates on a weekly basis. Feel free to pass this link to any friends or colleagues who may find it of value.

In the spirit of family and Christmas I'm delighted to pledge 10% of all individual consult fees for October and November to Youthinsearch (www.youthinsearch.org.au) to support their work in resolving adolescent issues for youths aged between 12 and 17.

So I look forward to our next 'chat' when I'll be discussing some of the common 'patterns' and 'roles' that show up in families (and also organisations!) - Becoming more conscious of these gives us the opportunity for change and a stress-free Christmas!


Until next time ... xx


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