Inspirational Change

How to have a Cracker of a Christmas - Step 1: Clarify the Past to see the Present
Alison Williams - Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Welcome back to the 'Cracker of a Christmas Series' where I'm pulling together some tips and strategies to support you in connecting more, stressing less and building stronger relationships, particularly over the holiday period.

This week I want to talk about the Past, or, as I technically call it in Psychotherapist speak, our "Old Stuff!" We've all got what I call "Old Stuff" - maybe things that happened in our family that weren't as ideal as we would have liked or maybe some past traumatic experiences. Now there are a couple of really important things to note here:

• In speaking of the past my intent is not to have you wallow around in it and feel sorry for yourself - that's just not useful! My intent is to guide you towards learnings that can be gleaned from past experiences and taken forward to help you develop stronger relationships i.e. this needs to be a forward-looking process and involves you in taking responsibility for recognising aspects of your behaviour that you can now change.
• It is crucial that looking at the past is not taken as an opportunity to blame your parents for how they behaved towards you. Every parent does the best they can with the level of skills and knowledge they have on board at the time. For a simple example, there have been occasions when I've raised my voice (ok shouted!) when dealing with my little boy. I'm pleased to say not many and yet it's happened. Now in the future he may turn round to me and say "Hey mum, I remember you shouting at me that time when I was three" (at which point I will probably be completely mortified!!) and at the same time I trust he will understand that personally I was at a point of extreme frustration and simply didn't have the resources to know what to do different at that point. I trust also that he will recognise my efforts to learn more, to develop as a mother, to grow the range of resources and strategies available to me. If you get stuck in blame you put yourself in a very weak place because you make it all about your parents and as long as that's the case then nothing's going to change. There's something very powerful about accepting they did the best they could and choosing that now you're going to move on and do the best you can for yourself. Make sense so far?

So in our taking a peek at the past what are we looking for that may help us in forming stronger relationships in the future? Let me give you 2 key things to look for:

1. Triangles

Yes those 3 sided things - or in this case those things with 3 people in them. Because whilst we often think of a relationship as involving 2 people, in reality it often involves 3. Let me give you an example: Mum and Dad have some 'cracks' in their relationship - maybe it's not easy for them to talk openly with each other about tensions they feel or issues they have and so by way of relieving the tension (totally unconsciously) Mum starts to talk to their son, 'little Freddie,' about her frustrations - "If only your dad would get those odd jobs done around the house .... would realise I need some support around here."

Lots of implications here: Issues don't get dealt with directly between the appropriate people, tension in the family just gets passed around and maybe 'dumped' on people it doesn't belong to, 'little Freddie' maybe starts to change his view of his father and relationship with his father because of what's happening ... and 'triangling' becomes the norm. Children can carry this model out into their future relationships and also into the future work environment where 'triangling,' aka gossipping, can be a huge issue.

We need to take a look at the extent that triangling went on in our family of origin - if it existed then it's highly likely to be still going on now (unless family members have done work on this issue) and if this is part of your model of relating then it may explain why you find it difficult to deal with issues directly with the people concerned or why you feel so frustrated and flat when dad downloads on you - you'd rather he just dealt direct with mum.

So consider, what triangles existed in your family of origin (any situation where there was tension between 2 people and so a 3rd was 'triangled' in)? Are they still going on now? To what extent does 'triangling' exist in your present day life? How does it impact you and what would you like to change about that?

2. Family Roles

If you luck out and get born to totally emotionally healthy and connected parents then you may have nothing to look at here! The famous Family Therapist Virginia Satir cast doubt on this with her premise that only 4% of us are born into totally emotionally healthy and functional families! I take comfort in knowing that it's not just me that's got issues!!

In very simple terms, children born into a family tend to compensate (totally unconsciously) for what's missing in the system. For example, if there's not a lot of humour around one of the children may become the family Joker. If the family puts on a very 'proper' face to the world then another may take on the role of Black Sheep or Scapegoat. If there's a lack of love in the family then a child may take on the role of Caretaker. Get the picture? The important thing here is that in taking on a role you start to lose your sense of self and prioritise (totally unconsciously) the needs of the family system. In doing so you lose touch with your own needs and, given that it's through meeting your own needs that you feel good about yourself, you tend not to feel good sometimes and yet aren't really sure why not (we can take a closer look at needs in a future blog).

In coming from a role rather than your real self you impact your ability to build authentic and strong relationships and will struggle to get your needs met. I have worked with many clients who found it such a relief to realise the roles they had played in family of origin and which continued to play out in current family, at work and in life! In seeing these roles they could set the intent to clear them and find their own authentic needs and behaviour. Sometimes these clients weren't even conscious of what they needed in order to be happy and it was beautiful to see them starting to recognise their needs and take steps to meet them so they could feel happier in themselves.

A useful resource here is 'Behind Closed Doors - The truth about intimate relationships and how to create them' by my colleague Shirley Smith - view it at http://http//www.inspirationalchange.com/_product_62435/Behind_Closed_Doors_-_The_Truth_about_Intimate_Relationships_and_how_to_Create_them

So what was (or still is) your role (s) in family of origin? Were you the Caretaker, the one who was always in trouble, the Hero of the family, the Perfectionist?? How is that role still playing out in your life? What steps are you willing to take to take to change your behaviour?

I trust that taking a look at these two patterns from the past may give you some ideas on how to move forward towards stronger relationships and a true Cracker of a Christmas!

If you'd like support along the way to see patterns and shift them then take a look at my Special Offer on Family Patterns Assessment which can be taken up either face to face on the Sunshine Coast or via Skype or Phone.

See you soon for more tips and strategies and in the meantime I'd love your comments or questions x

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